Pokemon Red and Pokemon BluePoke-mania takes over the world! It's super maniacal! Do I even NEED to introduce this? Even bricks have heard of Pokemon. This adorable cockfighting game has become a multimillion dollar phenomenon. Despite the cries of religious folk who claim that Pikachu is electric Satan, Pokemon has sold enough merchandise to buy Jupiter. To think-it all started with two little games called Pokemon Red and Pokemon Blue, released in 1998 for the Game Boy. These two games introduced us to a bright, pleasant world where ten-year-olds can abandon school, walk the earth, and risk tetanus on their quest to be the greatest trainer of critters ever. Before you can do that, however, you’ll need to get your first Pokemon from Professor Oak, who holds a degree in critt-tology (and a minor in business administration).  When you begin your journey, Oak asks for your name, and then the name of your rival, who will seek to outdo you at every turn. Now, remember that even if your rival has dedicated his whole life to being a complete jackass, you have to be the better man. There's no glory in stooping to his level.  After you get your first Pokemon, you are confronted by your rival, who is very angry that you named him "Hannah" in the intro. He picks a critter of his own and engages you in battle!  Battles are fought in alternating turns, like many RPGs. A Pokemon can learn up to four attacks, so it's wise to pick a moveset that can break the enemy’s spine as quickly as possible. Later on, you'll gain access to Technical Machines, which can teach your critter a move it couldn’t learn on its own. This is vital for mixing up your strategy. RIVAL: Squirtle, use Water Gun on Charmander! SQUIRTLE: Squirtle! (blasts a stream of water at the fiery salamander) ANNOUNCER: Ooooh, that's gotta hurt! I hope Charmander's got an ace up its sleeve, or it's going to lose! TRAINER: Charmander, use Chair Bash! ANNOUNCER: What's this? Charmander's smuggling a folding chair into the ring! That's gotta be illegal! CHARMANDER: Char! (bashes Squirtle in the head with the chair) ANNOUNCER: OOOOH, right in the Poke-package! Once you’ve beat your rival to an inch of his life, you're free to explore the world and catch Pokemon. To do that, you'll need Poke Balls, but you can't just chuck a ball at a critter and be done with it. Instead, you’ll need to whittle down the critter's life bar and catch it on the brink of death-er, fainting. Yeah, that's the thing about Pokemon that makes it kid-friendly. No Pokemon actually die when you beat them up-they just faint. You know, like actual cockfighting. The goal is to collect all 151 Pokemon, but the thing is that Pokemon Red has a few Pokemon that Pokemon Blue doesn't have, and vice versa. Therefore, to complete your collection, you have to trade monsters with someone who has a different version. So much trading occured in Pokemon's heyday that a Pokemon Green was created out of in-breeding between related versions-rumors claim that it is a secret version of Pokemon which allows players to capture Mewthree, Pikablu, and Voltron.  -Onix is filled with warm memories of childhood! -Voltron used Stab the Face Attack! Your other main goal is to take down the leaders of the eight Pokemon Gyms scattered across the land. These men and women have used their adorable cockfighting skills to gain Poke-dominance over their cities, and you, young upstart, must knock them off their throne. Fortunately, each Gym Leader focuses on a particular element which can be exploited by the right Pokemon, which really cramps their style if you've come prepared. Upon victory, you are rewarded with a badge, which allows the player to learn secret techniques in order to proceed through the game, as well as allowing you to bend higher-level Pokemon to your will. ...which is really stupid when you think about it. I mean, I realize I'm writing about an adorable cockfighting game and all, but this doesn't even make sense. The instructions explain that Pokemon recognize badges as a sign of the trainer's experience, and won't obey someone without the proper badge. What Pokemon sat down and decided that everyone would follow this rule? Did he also decide that I need a specific hunk of metal to ride over water and cut down trees? What exactly causes a move not to work unless you have a certain badge? I wonder what would happen if a move didn't work quite like you intended: TRAINER: All right, Pikachu! Use Flash! PIKACHU: Pika!  Besides the main quest, there's also something more sinister at work. A criminal organization called Team Rocket is wreaking havoc-you know, stealing Pokemon, robbing people, kicking babies for distance, what have you. It's up to YOU, dear Trainer, to single-handedly dismantle this evil Empire. What? did you think the police was going to do it? Pffffft. You must be new at this. Fortunately for you, Team Rocket's laughable uniforms are no match against your Machamp's ability to seperate heads from necks. Once you've defeated all eight Gym Leaders and lone-wolfed the crap out of Team Rocket, it's on to the Elite Four. These titans of menu selection are the toughest opponents you will meet by far. Your battle against them will test all of the skills you have mastered on your journey, such as:
But even after you take down the Elite Four, it's not over yet! To truly be considered the champion of adorable cockfighting, you must face your rival in one final showdown! TRAINER: We meet again, Hannah. RIVAL: I am not Hannah! I never was. In fact, I have something to show you. I am... (removes mask) Your MOTHER! TRAINER: Mom?! MOM: Actually, I only pretended to be your mother. I am really... (removes mask) JILL! TRAINER: My ex-girlfriend?! JILL: Jill never existed! It was just a ploy to get closer to you! I am secretly... (removes mask) MR. BINKLESTEIN! TRAINER: My pet TURTLE?! MR. BINKLESTEIN: But that too was a ruse! That way, I could keep watch over you in safety, for I really am... (removes mask) YOUR MOTHER! TRAINER: MOM AGAIN?! MOM: OR AM I?! THE FINAL VERDICT:And now, a word from Concerned, Religious American Parents (CRAP): PARENT: We Concerned, Religious American Parents are very concerned and religious about how this game can affect our children! Upon closer look, this game appears to be practically harmless! Do you know how DANGEROUS that is? That means there's a remote chance of actual harm! Just look at Ben over there! Look at how much fun he's having learning basic reading and math skills! And look! You can almost SEE the application of strategic thought crawling into Tommy's young mind! It's WRONG! In fact, I'm going to take care of this right now! TOMMY: Gimme my Game Boy back, you mean lady! PARENT: I don't expect your young mind to understand how I just SAVED YOU from this evil thing! What's this? You're fighting monsters on this thing? Monsters don't exist! Everyone knows that! Everyone knows monsters only come from two places: politics, and SATAN! I just saved you from SATAN, Tommy! SATAN! TOMMY: (bawls) PARENT: You're welcome, Tommy. You're welcome. Parents of America, do we REALLY want our children to be exposed to this kind of sensastionalist dribble? At least, any kind of dribble that we don't directly control? I impore you-do NOT but these games for your children! Their enjoyable nature will ruin their lives forever! RATING:What're you still doing reading this review? I don’t play Pokemon anymore. It's old and tired anyway. Now, Yu-Gi-Oh…THAT'S where it’s at!  IT'S TIME TO D-D-D-D-D-D-DUEL!
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