Duke NukemWARNING: Too much Duke Nukem may explode your body. Which you need for living. There's a guy I know called Duke Nukem and he's better than all of your sorry butts.  Duke Nukem was kicking robotic ass before Terminator stole the idea and went back in time to make a movie about it. Hell, Duke Nukem was even dishing out a side of justice as a baby. One day somebody tried to kidnap baby Duke Nukem. That person was thrown so far back in time that he turned into Jimmy Hoffa. When Jimmy Hoffa disappeared it was because Duke Nukem came back to finish the job. Now America wants to give Duke Nukem a mission. His mission: find Dr. Proton and hit him with forty nukes. Where do you get forty nukes, you ask? NONE-OF-YOUR-BUSINESS LAND. Point is that Duke's got a job to do and nobody's gonna stop him. Not even you, Gandhi. And check out what's gonna happen after:  You say Dr. Proton's no big deal because he's always stuck in a rocket-powered chair? STUPID. That's how he gets you. You think Dr. Proton's disabled when suddenly, BAM! Face full of robot. Dr. Proton has ten million plus robots and all you have is your little science fair project that powers light bulbs with potatoes. How's that gonna help you? INCOMING MESSAGE: IT AIN'T. All Proton has to do is raise one eyebrow and you'll be pumped so full of lead you'll die of lead poisoning before you die of getting shot a million times. Good job, Swiss Cheese. Let a real man like Duke Nukem take care of this. Go back home, dairy. To take out Dr. Proton's ten million robots, America gave Duke Nukem an atomic blaster that fires bolts of nuclear energy. This bad boy would turn you into a carnival freak if I shot you in the face with it. COME SEE: PERSON WHO GOT MELTED BECAUSE HE QUESTIONED DUKE NUKEM. That could be you. Not only that, Duke can collect even more guns to power up his weapon. Me, I've got no clue how collecting atomic blasters powers up your gun when there's only supposed to be one atomic blaster in existence. Does that concern Duke Nukem? This just in-IT DOESN'T.  But Dr. Proton isn't gonna sit there and get his face melted off. He's gonna send a bunch of his ten million robots after Duke Nukem to try and turn him into GAME OVER pudding. Little treadmill robots? Dead. One stomp. What killed the robot dinosaurs? Duke Nukem's FOOT. That's YOU, treadmill robot. You're a dead as hell dinosaur. Then there's the little helicopter robots that fire at Duke Nukem. All Duke Nukem has to do is flex and they explode. One time Duke Nukem was at a weight-lifting competition. Not only did he win, everybody went home sick. BRAWNY MAN. Then there's the big walker robots that take forever to kill. Anybody playing this game as a kid gets scared by them when they jump in out of nowhere. Not Duke Nukem. He jumps out of the inside of nowhere. And when those walker robots try to figure out where he is, BAM! Face full of Duke. Instant doorstop, because you're a dead as hell robot. Then there's all the traps Dr. Proton throws out as well. Flamethrowers on the ground or the wall? HORSE PLAY. Duke Nukem walks up to that flame and it's the fame that starts to feel hot, because oh man, Duke's one hot spicy death pepper tamale. Then he punches that fire and it turns into a bunch of kittens, he hit all the fail out of that fire. After he gets those kittens into a good home, he's gotta deal with fields of electricity. Some regular Joe Schmo can just flick a switch. Does Duke swing that way? HELL NO WITH A SIDE OF BACON. Duke Nukem eats that lightning because he's hungry after punching fire all day and destroying Communism. Lightning tastes good, like chicken drenched in victory. HUNGRY MAN. That's what's gonna happen to your lightning, Dr. Proton. Into Duke's arteries where men cannot survive.  But Duke also uses a bunch of tools to help him out, because inventors gotta eat too. He can collect sweet-freaking grappling hooks to let him crawl across ceilings. Radioactive blood? PANSIES ONLY. Duke takes things into his own hands, he doesn't expect handouts from radiated bugs. He can also collect super jumping boots that lets him leap onto Mount Olympus so he can punch Zeus in the face. Not only that, Duke's gotta find colored keys so he can enter doors, because he won't destroy doors out of respect for the door that saved him from being hit by a truck. What happened to that door? NO ONE GIVES A BUFF. Check this-you get three whole episodes of taste-Duke's-foot action. THREE. That's Shakespeare right there. To rock or not to rock, that is the question. ANSWER: Sweet. First one's free, but that's a small price to pay for a taste of the man-splosion that is Duke Nukem. Proton doesn't give up after the first episode. He should've gave up when you popped in the disk. Now loading: DUKE NUKEM. But he's brave for a man who's half-chair. Duke Nukem's half tsunami, I know who's gonna win. But you gotta take him there. Duke wants you to see him beat up Proton for good. He's a class act like that. CLASSY MAN. And when you're done watching Duke teach Proton how to get shot, you can take Duke out to eat ten steaks. You want some meat too? DENIAL. You get garlic bread. Learn to wear pink first, Captain Chump.  THE FINAL VERDICT:Ring ring! Who's there? MAN-HATTAN. Duke Nukem is the manliest thing you can ever load onto your computer. But I don't need to tell you that. Get a peep at our real-life testimonials: "After playing Duke Nukem, my love life's never been better! I keep blowing holes through my girlfriends, but everything before that feels incredible! Thanks, Duke Nukem!" - Glen Q. Mannison "Duke Nukem made me realize that life as a simple weenie would get me nowhere. After watching Duke crawl on the ceilings like Spider Man, I attempted to duplicate the accident that gave Spider Man his powers. I am now in the hospital with a black rash over my entire body. Thanks, Duke Nukem!" - Rupert "In Extreme Pain" Manford "Sorry to bother you, but DOS keeps telling me I need 640KB of free memory to run Duke Nukem. What does that mean?" - A Failure RATING:
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